CHAPTER XIL REMARKS OF THE HISTORIAN-GLOOMY CONDITION OF UNCLE SAM'S AFFAIRS-FAMILY MEETING-RESULT OF THEIR DELIBERATIONS-TREATY OF PEACE-WHIMSI CAL CONDUCT AND OPINIONS OF UNCLE SAM RESPECTING IT THE ACCOUNT BALANCED-REFLECTIONS ON WASHINGTON'S AND JEFFERSON'S ADMINISTRATIONS-ON OPPOSITION-CONCLUSION. The picture and the shade are now before us. The defence of New-Orleans, noble indeed of itself, gathers fresh tints and graces by being contrasted with the Washington Hegira. At home, in the midst of their resources, cannon, shot, tent-poles, molasses and vinegar enough; sufficient warning of the approach of the enemy, wind-catridges already made, proclamations by the ream already printed; yet alas! the city must be abandoned. The archives of the nation, her public buildings, library, the emblems of her sovereignty, the proud memorials of her many triumphs, all, all abandoned to the gothic clutches of a rapacious enemy. Of Jackson and his brave companions in danger, it might be said in the words of the poet, furor arma ministrat; but of our pavidæ matres at the seat of government, we must reverse the apopthegm and say arma ministrabant furoribus: the arms of the enemy indeed furnished them with the madness of fear. Is there an American heart unwounded at the recollection! Or have we lost all distinction between virtue and vice. Has the torrent of national disgrace, that has so copiously flowed for the last ten years, decompounded and washed away that adamantine isthmus, which separated honor from infamy? Has a repetition of the act of bowing our necks, with a sinic servility, to the burden of shame, neutralized our feelings and blunted our perceptions! Why did not the verdant sod that covers the ashes of Washington burst asunder. But no! Had his pale ghost met the shameless fugitives with the stern upbraidings of a seraph, they would have dodged regardless along, "let us live to enjoy our offices" would have been the answer. Thus ended the farce of taking Canada in six weeks, of bringing the "enemy on his marrow bones." So much for paper courage and terrapin gallantry. It must be confessed, that the enemy had a fair specimen of Cabinet intrepidity-Moles' eyes, wooden-legs, leaden crutches, when danger is to be ought for, but when there is any running to do, aye, hen we see the speed of the dromedary, the wings of the eagle. "Prudence, said Falstaff, is the better part of valor." So thought our wise ones-so acted our aliant ones. Even goose creek mars, the god of war, "sacked up” his dotard bones in a skin which at times had betrayed every sinful passion but shame, and gave manly chace to his valiant file-leaders. "Did it burn," said a tender mother to her son when some powder flashed in the pan ? no madam, but it smells so! smell! yes, it shall smell to Europe-to Lilliput! to posterity! And how did Uncle Sam, high-minded patriot, relish the conduct of his servants on this occasion? Oh, he accepted a Phillippic from the mouth of the Chief Steward, at the next family meeting, as a full atonement for the desertion of his favorite city. A bladder of angry wind, let off with dignified violence against John Bull, was received as full satisfaction for all that had happened. And as for the loss of honor, it was agreed by all, that the saving of so many valuable lives, was an ample equivalent. The wise and the great ones congratulated each other that although they had lost their wooden, they had saved their real offices. "One may steal a horse, while another is hanged for looking over a hedge." Count Scratch-us-off was tried for his life for a far less offence than giving up the city of Washington to pillage and flames, and received pardon from the same power that explained away this shameful transaction with an Aphaletical discharge of wind. But now came on the season when the family must again meet to deliberate on measures for the general good. It was not, perhaps, the most pleasant meeting that ever took place. Her ladyship looked a little sour; before her eyes were the ruins of her noble residence; her drawing room, where so many fine plans had been formed, was no more. As this misfortune, however, had been so much a matter of her own seeking, she thought best to bear it with the best practicable grace. The Chief Steward, the Chief Clerk, Mars Fugitivus, and Neptunus Minor, all accommodated themselves with private lodgings. We have seen the prospect immedi ately before their noses: what was it abroad? Dark clouds on the North, West, and East: The strong box empty: the army wasted by sickness: our frontiers threatened in every direction. But, what was worst of all, our friend Nap in confinement on the Island of Elba. This "Wonderful man," as Mr. Gerry once called him, bound over to his good behaviour, and his splendid fortunes razeed down to the condition of a private up the army citizen. His corsairs could no longer burn and destroy our vessels and imprison our seamen no longer drain us of our "surplus cash," which once so vexed the philosophical head of the man of Monticello. No more could our friend Nap give us his advice with respect to our affairs, which was always the more grateful, as it was generally conveyed in an authoritative style But it was no time for whining; a closet Conference was called, at which all the friends of war were invited. The first thing to be done was to fill and make some fresh attempts at loans. having turned project-monger, submitted a plan for recruiting, the substance of which he had taken from the regulations of Nap, and which in the country of its birth was called Conscription. To give it the cast of origi. nality, it was thought best to name it anew and term it Classification. In favor of it, it was urged that some thing must be done immediately to keep up the spirits of Uncle Sam; and this method possessed many advantages over the old plan for recruiting; as it took away from the recruit, the troublesome right of free agency, by which such tedious delay was produced. The re cruit would in this case know at once what to do and would not stand stammering and bantering with the recruiting officer, until the enemy was at our backs. This project gained the approbation of all present, and was therefore ordered to lie on the table that its advocates might have a little time to lie it into popularity. Meanwhile it was thought best to new-vamp the old system and give it fresh vigor, by offering more bounty and higher wages, this would keep the attention of Uncle Sam from prying with a mischievous curiosity into his money concerns; for it would be an obvious pre sumption that he was still rich, if he was able to shake his purse at new expenditures. Neither was the low state of the strong box any objection to this measure, for since promises had become a sine qua non, in all money concerns, they had so far become the national currency, as to be the only coin receivable by Uncle Sam's creditors. To give greater facility to this new project, a most lucky thought entered the head of some one, which was incorporated with the projected amendment, and which was no less than to augment the number of candidates for enlistments, by declaring boys and minors of all descriptions whether in the condition of parental tutelage, apprentices or wards, eligible to the of fice and dignity of soldiers. In support of this measure, it was agreed that those who were of age to reflect, or had come to years of discretion, knew so much about the war and the management of it, that they were backward about enlisting; that to address the mind of man in its most giddy and thoughtless period, when the brains were unsettled, or had not yet begun to grow, the chance of success would be much greater. For it was considered as a settled point that silent votes, and the previous question, would reason down every thing except the fear of danger, and the power of the enemy, and could reason up almost any thing except cash in propria persona. This measure, met, as was expected, with violent opposition from Tom Boston, as it passed the formula of debate in presence of the heads of families; but it was adopted. Codline, Saybrook and Spinyarn, patriarchal governors of Tom's dominions passed seven decrees against it, and threatened to flog any boy who entered the army without the consent of his parents, master or Guardian and also enacted severe penalties against those |