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armour, they have learnt this from Nap; but I'll tel you Sangrado, betwixt you and me, I have no great faith in such nostrums. True, I have given up the management to her and the Chief Steward, and whatever plan they devise I am in duty bound to execute. But I must insist that I know John Bull better than all of you; I know he is a villainous tyrannical dog; but I know also, that he is no coward, and that when once we get him into a corner and have raised his anger as I have seen it, we shall want something besides the nine parts of Speech to fight him with. You might then show him a string of adverbs as long as my garters, printed in letters, as large as mill-posts, you could not start him to wink his eye. You tell about Peter the Fisherman, give me no Peter but salt-petre, to fight Bull with, and that well made into double cannon powder. And then there's your Thunder and lightning man-all wind, all stuff. I tell you, John Bull, once in a rage as I've seen him, would snuff up an army of such fellows at one pump of his nose, and not known that any think had happened. Besides, my honest Squire, I'll tell you, if 1 am to fight, be it known, that Uncle Sam will never have the reputation of going to war with a coward, he will never put on his armor to pursue a dastard fugitive enemy, and for this plain reason, I am no coward myself. Now tell my Lady and the Chief Steward from me, if war with Bull is determined on, to put the family in readiness, my boys have pluck, they have the matter in them, but then, they are to be taken from the plough and the shop, they have not used their arms for thirty years, a little practice will make them fine fellows; but then give me enough of them, dont send me into Canada with five thousand or ten thousand
don't coop me up like a mouse in a bee-hive with tea thousand angry devils buzzing about my ears, blocking up the hole I went in at and stinging me into torments, give me enough to see fair play, and Uncle Sam will give the world a good account of himself—Uncle Sam is no coward; no, Bunker-hill knows that.-Aye, and there's another thing, see that the big guns are in readiness, all cleaned and fit for service. Let my old military suit be brushed up, and such articles as are wanting in any part of my armor, let them be supplied; don't send me off in quest of adventures like Don-Quixote with a paste-board vizor, give me my old Beaver, it has weathered the storms of forty years, it's the best hat now in Christendom. See that we have plenty of provisions and cash for the expedition ; I have been through one war, and have smarted enough for the want of these things. Take time more slowly and surely, war is not the work of a day; dont let us like the brainsick Knight of La Mancha, get three days' journey from home before we know whether we want either meat or drink. Uncle Sam lives by eating and drinking.
Softly your worship, said Sangrado, for I suspect Tom Boston, is lurking about us, he is a troublesome guest, whenever he meets one, he is always boring away about French influence and such nonsense;—But, to the purpose. I intreat your honor, to put yourelf to no further trouble about the preparation for the war, and to indulge no fear for the issue of the contest.-For to tell you the plain truth, war has been for some time determined on, and our friend Nap has promised to give Bull full employment on the other side of the water, so that he will be able to spare very few of his men tọ
annoy us ;-We must keep in with this Nap, for after we once get Bull on his back, we may want his assistance to put Tom Boston down. For in fact as the chief steward and your Honor's Lady says, there can be no peace so long as Bull is permitted to exercise his intolerable tyranny on the big waters, the great highway of nations, and as for this insolent Tom Boston there is no end to his impudence. Let the decclaration once come out and we'll soon put to silence all his noise about French influence-and French Spoliations. Hold hold said Uncle Sam, I'll have no quarrelling in my family. I know Tom is a self sufficient fellow, but he knows his place, he acted his part well formerly, he'll not interrupt our business; let there be no quarreling in the family I say, for if war is once on, we shall need all our strength; besides John Bull is too strong for us on the water, and we must depend entirely on Tom Boston to handle him there. Aye I know Tom, he understands handling an oar and pointing a gun, only give him the same weight of metal that Bull carries and he'll send all his ships to the Devil.-I say let us have peace in the family. Tom is a little waspish just now he has been deprived for some time past of his accustomed trade at sea, be a little softly, he complains of Nap, and not without some reason, for that Corsican puppy has used us but scurvily to tell the truth-he has taken and burnt our ships, imprisoned our Sailors, and sequestered the property of our Merchants, and we have not made half the noise about the whole, that we did about Bull's attack on the Chesapeake.— But once more to the purpose, how are our harbors to be defended? I wish now we had those ships which that Philosophic Steward of mine, sold to raise mon
ey to buy popularity with, I'd rather have one good heavy frigate than all the jack-o-lantern popularity in the world to go to war with; good strong heavy cannon thunder, Sangrado, that's the best thing to meet John Bull with, none of your paltry gun Boats, for harbor defence, the breath of a Seventy-four will blow them all to the devil. Ah, we've philosophized too much, and what does it all amount to? Philosophy never warmed a cold limb, or filled a gaunt belly. I like something more practical; the best way to reason with an unreasonable being, is to meet him with sword in one hand and a club in the other, so that if you cannot run him through, you may knock him down.
Well, Sangrado, give my love to my Lady, tell her not to be too intimate with Jacques-I shall keep a sharp look out for them-Tell them I'll be ready-Tell them I'm wide awake, Uncle Sam will never be caught napping -Bring me a glass of Whiskey boy. When common sense points her finger, fools run the wrong way. A plague on all cowards! Bring me a glass of Whiskey !
HOUSEHOLD AFFAIRS-SITUATION OF THE STRONG BOXSINGULAR EXPEDIENT TO REPLENISH IT-CONFERENCE BETWEEN THE CHIEF STEWARD AND UNCLE SAM'S WIFE -ARGUMENT BETWEEN MADAM SAM AND TOM BOSTON.
SANGRADO whose office and duty it was to feel of the pulse of Uncle Sam, and carry messages and cards, immediately repaired to the mansion house, and delivered the result of his embassy, where he found the Chief Steward in close conference with Uncle Sam's Lady, in the great drawing room.-Madam appeared to be a little out of humor at the hearing some part of Uncle Sam's remarks, and the subject of conversation when the Squire entered being chiefly domestic, her Ladyship remarked that the great dining table which, originally consisted of thirteen legs, was out of order, notwithstanding it had been repaired at different times, it did not stand level on the floor. That even now when the servants were bringing on and carrying off dishes, an accidental blow would frequently give it such a tilt, as to shake off the dishes and spill the gravy on the guests. And altho' five additional legs had been added to it, at different times, the vicious propensity of the thing, still continued. They had discovered indeed, during the stewardship of George, that a large foreign Dog, of the Gencvan breed, had got under the table, and gave it such a tilt as nearly to upset it, and broke many of the dishes. But this was not the cause of its frequent jostling, for the dog had been taken into the kitchen and fed and