CHAPTER V.

AN UNACCOUNTABLE BUSTLE ABOUT THE GREAT WIGWAM APPEARANCES-APPOINTMENT OF BA

-WONDERFUL

SHAWS AND PACHAS-COUNT SCRATCH-US-OFF'S EXPEDITION-SANGRADO READS THE DECLARATION OF WAR TO UNCLE SAM.

Now war, with all its horrors began to stalk before the rarified imaginations of the knowing ones as they collected spontaneously about the great Wigwam, when the starred and striped ensign waved in party-colored splendor; and Chiefs of high renown came forward with their pretensions to some distinguished post of honor in the service of Uncle Sam, each to receive the rich reward of those faithful and glorious services, not which he had rendered; but which he was ready, under oath, to promise for value received, that he would render sixty or ninety days after date, to that Country which had been the cradle of his birth, the nurse of his infancy, and was about to be the witness of his deeds of fame ;— to that beloved parent Uncle Sam, who had so often dandled him on his knee and filled his dish with homminy in his boyish days, watched with paternal vigilance over the sinuous wanderings of his riper years, and bestowed on him the rich inheritance of freedom! It was indeed a most sublime and affecting spectacle! enough to melt a firkin of Boston butter, in the midst of June, (for it was about this time,) at sight of such hallowed patriotism. It was a sight, which a philosopher might contemplate with petrified amazement, which Old Homer

might gaze at with poetic rapture, and which Bunyan himself might view with Hudibrastic fidgets.

Here you might see the aged Hero who had led up the dance at twenty annual elections, offering to prove his claims to preferment, and boasting with what fearless constancy he had set the Electioneering battle in array-There you might behold the pert sleek-booted Jockey, declaring he could buy horses for the service of his liege Uncle better than any other man living. Also the swag-bellied Butcher, importuning for the of fice of Contractor. But what much surprised all, was the disinterested patriotism of some Newgate Emancipees, and Tipperary lads vociferating loudly for the unspake-able honor of having an opportunity of laying down their precious lives for their dear native America. And what was still more remarkable, those who from beyond seas, had fled from justice, and had been sold for their passage, were seen to offer the compound oblation of their lives, fortunes and sacred honor. Still as you looked and wondered, the multitude increased and as they multiplied, the heat of their valor was augmented an hundred fold. Direful on that day was the measure of wordy vengeance dealt out to John Bull. His horns were to be knocked off, not a hair was to be left standing on his callous hide, and then horrible to tell! he was to be flayed alive and to be divested of the posterior dignity of a tail and to be driven, in this piteous costume, around the wigwam, as a trophy of patriotic vengeance, to frighten wicked children and for the amusement of the Ladies. Nor were the calamities of the evil-star'd Bull to stop here. His dominions on this side the water were to be taken and sold to pay the expense of "tanning his hide," as it was called. His

snowfields his Beaver and skunk-establishments and his Grind-stone founderies were to be knocked down by the hammer.

So great, and greatly confused was the noise, that old Potomac, altho' then bringing in a full tide with a strong wind, ordered it to halt, and perform quarantine before the wigwam, for half an hour. And the terrified genius of Goose Creek, shot up her goosy neck, a cables length, from the mud, to listen to the horrific concert of so many Babylonian throats. And it is said that the wind for some time was so variable, from the alternate vibration of noise, and the rebounding of its sister echo, that she knew not for some time, which way to lay her feathers.

But those who stood at a suitable distance could plainly perceive that the noise after a while gradually wore away and subsided, the crowd scattered and dispersed, and through a spy glass, innumerable empty Gin Kegs and Whiskey Barrels were seen piled up before the wigwam. But such observers as were on the ground declared, that although the crowd disappeared, they eould perceive no abatement of the noise while they remained on it.

This circumstance has been philosophically if not satisfactorily accounted for by my learned Uncle Zachary, who says that by the unceasing action of sound the drum and cornfan of the ear, were so worn away by constant attrition, that as the noise subsided, the ear grew thin and more sensible to the action of sound. And he moreover declares, upon the honor of a featherpedler, that walking over the ground the next day, he actually picked up fifty pairs of ears, which had either been thrown away as useless, or stormed off by the din.

In addition to this many dead fish were seen lying on their beams end on the Potomac, and floating down the

stream killed no doubt by the heavy peals of aerial patriotism which flew up to the skies, and striking against the elastic shell of the blue expanse, rebounded and fell with terrible force upon the water.

The frogs in Goose Creek, lost their senses, and for some days, croaked without measure, or occasion. Thus far with a faithful record of facts; it becomes us now as faithful historians to notice some strange events, which although not without precedent in the records of other nations were considered as the harbingers of some awful calamity. We mention them upon the mere strength of hear-say, and do not vouch for their authenticity. It was reported that the Cocks in the farm-yards crowed at sunset, that the feline race, the cats, were affected with a strange frisking sensation, and ran up apple-trees stern foremost, and that that boorish animal the hog would point his bowsprit with a gunners precision, at the full moon, in uno obtutu for half an hour, serenading her full orbed Majesty of the evening, as she made her debut from the chambers of the East, in plaintive and piggish strains. But as a certain learned brother historian hath said, "We return from this digression to resume the thread of our history."

"fitful

It soon appeared that the bustle about the great Wigwam was something of greater import than a farce," for on the third day after, there appeared issuing from that renowned hive of political and military wisdom, a host of worthies, commissioned, epauletted, booted, whiskered and perfumed, for the mighty contest.

And now, O for all the mouths of Hydra to recountthe hands of Briareus-the quills of half the geese in

Christendom-and the expedition of a hand-bill scribe to record their names; and above all, for the imagii tion of Homer, to paint their various virtues and claims to endless renown. There first we beheld, as chief Bashaw, captain Pacha, and field-marshal, the great Dearbrosky, close on his spurs, followed Counts Smokeus-off, Bloom-hoff, Scratch-us-off, Tan-us-off, Admiral Smyte-us-off, Wind-off, Maccoby, Lewskoy, and a numerous retinue of attending offs, and hoffs, and scoffs, and ruffs, and scuffs; and boys, and scoys, even whose hard names time and lungs would fail me to pronounce, even had I the brazen throat of Stentor.

Meanwhile there was such a fever for conquest excited by so much patriotic puffing and blowing, that the Chief Steward and Madam determined to make one bold push, and accordingly they dispatched Field-marshal Count Scratch-us-off, with a body of about two thousand men, a long way through the wilderness, to seize the possessions of Bull, at a place called Sandwich. This was called "taking the Bull by the tail," before he could have any hint of what was passing. He was directed to make a most powerful and flaming proclamation, and ex more, according to custom, to do as much wordy execution as possible. This part of his commission, the valiant warrior did not fail to fulfil, for being brought up and instructed by Uncle Sam's present wife, nay, being born of her, he inherited, in exuberant profusion all the windy excellencies of his accomplished mother. He therefore without taking overmuch thought for futurity, advanced by forced marches, to reach the object of his destination, the certain goal of his fame. The Chief Steward promised to supply all his wants-Madam assured he would have little to do but to show himself,